"This place is evil"

The most famous utterance "I am in Hell! I am in Hell!" was by Fletcher Christian, the lead mutineer on the HMS Bounty, when he accosted Bounty Captain William Bligh and proceeded to take over the ship (for a great account of the world's most famous mutiny, read Caroline Alexander's "The Bounty"--it dispels ls a lot of popular myths about Bligh and the bounty incident and reveals that by British naval standards at the time, Bligh was hardly the tyrant that he is made out to be in pop culture--in fact, he was one of the more lenient ones. It was Christian who had the issues--his descendants, who still live on Pitcairn Island, have them as well)





Last night, a 24 year old American also used that same phrase as he wandered around Vang Vieng and witnessed the hardcore drug infused frat party carnage that was taking place all around him. According to a fellow sober American, it was worse the night before.





Vang Vieng is truly a beautiful place. It is a valley surrounded by tall karst peaks covered in green, and the sunset was magical. It is located on the main tourist route between Vientiane and Luang Prabang. It is set up to be one of Laos' great outdoor destinations, with lots of caves to explore, and plenty of trekking opportunities.





It isn't. Its a hellhole, one that I'm glad to be leaving, and probably the most depressing place I've seen in SE Asia.





Why? Because at night, the place becomes Cancun spring break, the Lao version.





I hate to get on my high horse, and go on a holier than thou rant, but I have to. This place deserves it. Vang Vieng is due for a major cleanup, and while there are still some redeeming qualities about it (the scenery, and some of the honest local shop owners), the window for a redeeming transformation is rapidly fading.





If anybody working for BBC, ABC (Australia), or another media outlet in either the U.K. or Australia is reading this and looking for a quick and easy expose to establish your name, then come to Vang Vieng and show the people of your country what some of your darling youth are really doing on their gap year. It should make any parent want to lock up their kids if they even so much as utter the words "Vang Vieng" as a possible destination.



Bars with "Friends" and "family guy" on constant repeat may be a depressing sight, but it is downright cheery compared to watching 20 year olds stumble around high and drunk on gosh knows what in a foreign country. Even though drugs are illegal, they are certainly available. All you have to do is ask any bar or restaurant catering to westerners for the "special" menu. Kids stumble around, sometimes literally in circles, not knowing where or who they are.



Down by the river, the bars illuminated with their flashbulb and neon lights in an otherwise pitch black environment was eerily similar to the scene in Apocalypse Now where they have that big party on the river.

Because I knew that I would probably be heading out the next day on a long bus ride, I purposely only had one drink, and then stuck to 7up and water for the rest of the night. I managed to meet an American girl who told me of all that she had seen, and that she couldn't wait to get the heck out of there the next day--apparently, the night before, there were two westerners at some bar, trashed and blitzed out of their minds, having just combined valium with all sorts of narcotics and alcohol, and were playing around with a machete while shocking each other with a bug zapper/taser.

She had come to Vang Vieng with several other people who she had just met, most of whom were bent on getting as blitzed and high as possible. She was pretty much sober, and just walking around because there wasn't anything else to do. We wound up at a laid back restaurant, where the other members of the party ordered from a special menu, and I chose to live dangerously by drinking a 7up--out of a capped bottle!

I only bring up going to the restaurant because the american and I started talking to the owner, a native Lao, who could speak very good English. The american girl and I had noticed that there were all sorts of deadbeat Westerners with dreadlocks and tanktops ("derelicts" the american girl called them) working at these bars, and was wondering whether or not it was legal. It turns out, it isn't. Just about all of these western bar workers are working there illegally, and getting room and board in exchange for working at a bar for zero salary. Meaning that they are cheap labor to the Lao businessmen, and are cheating native Lao out of a job.

The restaurant owner was himself appalled by what was taking place in Vang Vieng--evil spirits he said had seemed to take over the place--and he only offered the special menu because he had to to stay in business, but he purposely makes the special items very very weak. He just wanted to see people happy, not blitzed. Lao from other parts of the country come to Vang Vieng to purposely make money off of western substance tourists by feeding drugs and the like to them, and compete with Vang Vieng natives also trying to go after the tourist buck.

The other American and I though told him that what he should do is to try to organize with a bunch of other local businesses to vow not to use western tourists as cheap labor (no matter how willing they would be), and should start up an organization of sorts to help the local economy, by choosing to only hire and employ Lao, and come up with some sort of badge or sticker that businesses who only use locals can stick on their doors so that tourists know that their money isn't going into some deadbeat looking to stay on a permanent high.

The cops in Vang Vieng are all plain clothed, so I have no idea how many were out there, and the nature of Laos means that crime and hospitalization statistics are pretty much unavailable, even though it would be interesting to see them, especially in cases of hospitalization.

BTW, doing drugs in any foreign country is stupid. Doing them in Laos is especially stupid. Hospitals and medical facilities are poor and inadequate, and all guide books recommend that if you need medical care, get thee to Thailand ASAP. Vang Vieng is relatively isolated--it has no air service, and only accessible via a 3 hour winding road from Vientiane. Which means if something bad happens, you are probably S.O.L.

Fortunately, I was able to get on the 10 am bus to Luang Prabang where I currently am--a beautiful city that I can't wait to explore, especially after having endured a 7 hour bus ride of constant S turns, driven by a driver who had no idea how to drive, with no air con other than open windows (which didn't help because it rained half the trip). It was a pretty drive, though--lots of spectacular views of the mountains and valleys.

Casualties of the Trip

Made it to Vang Vieng on the VIP bus--let's just say if that was the VIP bus, then I would hate to see the ordinary bus. Vang Vieng is about halfway as the crow flies between Luang Prabang and Vientiane, but it takes twice as long to get from Vang Vieng to Luang Prabang as it does from Vientiane to Vang Vieng. Why? Because northern laos is pretty mountainous, and the road, though in better condition than Preston Road, is windy and snakelike (Vientiane is in the flat plains of the mekong). The only time the bus ever went over 50km/hr (i was sitting near the driver's seat, so I saw the spedometer) was on the straightaways. Otherwise, once we hit the foothills about two hours from Vientiane, it was a steady 20-40km pace.

Drive was very pretty though, if a bit windy. Clifford would not have liked it. Lots of green tree covered mountains.

Scenery here is very pretty--surrounded by green karst mountains. My cousins would love it here--they have bars and restaurants where you can sit around all day watching episodes of Friends on tv.

We'll see how long I stay here. Either I'll head out to Luang Prabang tmw, or in two days.

Six weeks, and I have a brief casualty report:
the cord I used to link my camera to the computer--lost it somewhere in siem reap, but bought a nifty little usb stick that I could stick my memory card into and would upload the photos.

my new balance tennis shoes--in yogyakarta, after having gotten me up Merapi.

the glass face of my watch, which cracked when it slipped in the shower and fell on the floor in Kuala Lumpur. I have temporarily remedied the solution by enclosing it with strips of scotch tape to protect it, but there are some pretty decent cracks in it. Bus driver was making fun of me for having it, pointing to his watch and showing me how nice it was. My reply? But your watch makes your wrist turn green. Mine doesn't. Guy started laughing his head off.

Random fact:
I don't know what the Canadians did to ever tick off the Lao, but they certainly did something. Whereas a basic tourist visa on arrival costs $35 for US and lots of other western countries, Canadians have to pay $42. Cubans do not get any level of communist solidarity--they have to pay $30.

This tastes familiar...

In SE Asia, travellers often rave about one beer more than the others, and that is Beerlao. So, being in Laos, I did as the locals do, and had one. It was indeed very good, but it also had an eerily similar taste, like I had drank something similar to it beforehand.

That's when it hit me--if you want to know what Beerlao tastes like, go drink a Shiner Bock. To the casual beer drinker, the two aren't distinguishable.

Meanwhile, onto discussing my hygienic practices. Relative to other people travelling the same route, I've been relatively clean. I try to do laundry once every ten days, if not two weeks max, and rarely wear boxers more than once. My mother would probably be appalled to know that the same doesn't necessarily apply to tshirts, and it definitely doesn't apply to shorts or socks. I shower and brush my teeth at least once a day, and have not been growing out a beard. Not because of any particular health reason, but because after about three days of not shaving, I start to get itchy. I probably do need a haircut, though, but that will have to wait until I'm back in the states.

I even, *gasp,* used moisturizing lotion for the first time on my own volition--skin was starting to get dried out by the sun. How do I know what I used is moisturizing lotion and not some scam product? Because of where I bought it. At a chain pharmacy (SE Asia's CVS). In Singapore. In the Singaporean equivalent to the financial district.

Meanwhile, I'm off to take a bus to Vang Vieng tmw., a stop that will either be shorter than anticipated or longer than anticipated, depending on whether or not I like it. I would normally skip a place like it--backpacker haven, boozing (and other stuff...) 24/7, etc.--but it is on the road from Vientiane to Luang Prabang, Laos' premier tourist attraction, and helps break up what would otherwise be a nearly 10 hour bus ride into two shorter segments. Its also known for being a very pretty place.

Be advised, as I leave Vientiane, internet access will probably become less reliable in other parts of Laos.

Photos

Proof that it is actually me typing up these posts. Photo at the bottom was actually taken by a Burmese couple that now live in thailand. First Burmese people I've ever met--sorry, but the python doesn't count as a person.

Also, skype might be great for those of you wishing to save money on long-distance and international phone calls, but its annoying as heck to those of us who have to listen to your conversations in an internet cafe. It might as well be another version of using your cell phone in public places. I'm almost tempted to start up an internet site where people can post what they overheard from people using their cellphone in public. Its not that I don't want to learn about your life--I'm sure its incredibly interesting--its just that I don't care about every mundane detail. If you are going to broadcast the details of your life to everyone sitting/standing around you, then at least make it juicy. None of this mundane mumbo jumbo. What I wouldn't give to be fluent in several different european and asian languages right now. Imagine the stuff I could learn!

Meanwhile, it appears that news of Celine Dion's musical death has been greatly exaggerated. It seems that Laos and Cambodia missed the memo sent out to the entire world that "my heart will go on"--the titanic song. Don't pretend you haven't heard it or know it. You know exactly what it is and have the aspirin bill to prove it--should have vanished like the Y2K scare. Yet I've heard it more times in the past three weeks than I've heard it in the past decade--some people even use it as their personalized cell phone ring, a pet peeve of mine that I've previously discussed.

So, the french couple in Phnom Penh. Proof that smoking ages you? They both looked to be in their late twenties. Turns out I was older than both of them. The girl could speak okay english--but the guy could hardly speak it--and they had spent the past several months driving in a camper van around australia. What's interesting is when you apologize to people (europeans) who can't speak english well, and tell them the words that you do know. With me, its usually a mixture of basic words (hello, goodbye, etc.), historical terms (ie. in french, pied noir--name given to the french colonists who lived in algeria), and your good old fashioned cuss words.

This is usually bound to create some sort of laughter, especially when you manage to mispronounce the cuss word or term in question. For whatever reason, I forget that the "silent e" in english came from french, and typically pronounce french words with the "e" at the end, like I would in german--the closest thing I have to a second language. So, when I was telling them what I knew in french, I kept saying (phonetically) mer-deh, and they both gave me a quizzical look as if to say what the heck is this american talking about. After some gesturing they finally realized that the term I knew was merde, pronounced phonetically as merdt.

If you watch hockey, though, you'd know that the french or at least the quebecois french word for stop "arete" is no longer being used by those in montrealers. In a rare case of linguistic unity, both the anglo-montrealers and the french-montrealers now agree that the debate over whether to use "stop" or "arete" on the red octagonal signs is now over. They've chosen "Halak" as a replacement. If you watch or follow hockey, then you get the joke. If you don't, then I have to explain that "Halak" is the last name of the Montreal goaltender that has had a breakout playoff year and is the main reason why Montreal, the statistically worst team to qualify for the playoffs out of both conferences, has managed to upset both the NHL's regular season champions (the Washington Capitals) and the defending Stanley Cup Champions (Pittsburgh Penguins). Of course, the magical playoff run appears to be over, as les Habs are down 3-1 to the Philadelphia Flyers, but the boys in rouge have rallied once already from a 3-1 series deficit, and the Flyers themselves overcame a 3-0 series deficit this playoff season.

In the west, San Jose continues to prove that they are the hockey version of the Dallas Mavericks--great in the regular season and talented enough to be the favorites for the stanley cup, but can never get their act together in the playoffs (read: big time chokers). They are down to Chicago 3 games to none.

"No Photo! No Photo!"

For the first time all trip, I was actually yelled by a security guard. Which security guard? The one in front of the U.S. Embassy in Vientiane--a place located off a side street from one of Vientiane's landmarks. I told the guy that I was an American citizen, and produced my passport to prove it, but he still said no. I asked why, and he said not allowed. Look, I understand not allowing photography at certain sites, like those of special cultural and religious significance, as well as those sites important for national security like top secret installations and the like.

But this was an embassy. Its supposed to be seen. And its in Laos, for gosh sakes. When I was in Egypt four years ago--a place in a region where there is a considerably greater threat to the U.S. and Americans than in S.E. Asia--I had no problem walking right past the car barricade wearing a backpack, and taking all the photos I wanted of the American embassy in Cairo. Yet I can't do the same in Laos? Oy vey.

As another point of reference, I walked right up to the gate of the Lao Presidential Palace and took all the photos I wanted.

Vientiane is nice. Its just tiny. You can pretty much see all there is to see by about 1 or 2 in the afternoon--even if you decide to take a leisurely pace and wander around, like I did.

There are definitely some bizarre sites here: like seeing freshly baked french baguettes at the lao market surrounded by all sorts of native produce, or previously elegant french villas and maisons crumbling and being shadows of what they once were. Its definitely more french than Phnom Penh was. There are also quite a few good bakeries in the city--including one just down the street from my hotel called the scandinavian bakery, where I had breakfast. My mom would have a field day trying all the sweets and pastries that the place offered.

I also got horrendously overcharged by a tuk-tuk driver, but that was my own fault for not negotiating--it was hot, and I just wanted a ride. I was taken for a ride, in more than one way.

Saw the holiest site in Laos (where photography is definitely allowed)--a golden buddhist stupa--and the so-called "vertical runway" the lao version of the arc de triomphe that looks nice from afar, but just looks like carved and sculpted concrete from nearby. on the other side of the traffic circle was a giant building that I have little doubt is the headquarters of the Lao communist party--the giant lao flag next to the giant hammer and sickle flag gave it away. Cool looking building though.

Other stuff:
There are certain songs that need to be formally banned from being remade--when I was in Siem Reap, a remake of michael jackson's "beat it" done by fallout boy or some other indie/alternative band started playing, and I wanted to hop in a delorean, go back in time, and use one of the men in black laser mind eraser things on whoever taught the people in that band how to play music.

Was resting in my vientiane hotel room when the cleaning staff knocked on the door. I know no lao other than their word for hello, and they didn't know any english. Made for an interesting encounter/interaction of using hand signals and miming to understand what exactly it is they wanted.

Was at a bar last night that was how the Foreign Correspondents Club of Cambodia was supposed to feel like--an actual expat bar and not a borderline tourist attraction. Because of the slow pace of life here, it is very easy to feel like an expat worker.

I've met three french or ethno french people in SE Asia--one in Yogyakarta (technically swiss, but from the french speaking region), two in Phnom Penh, from around Bordeaux. Two guys, one girl. Both guys had beards and smoked. The girl also smoked. How's that for proving stereotypes?

French-swiss guy in Yogya was a riot--talk about a hilarious experience--I was having dinner at a restaurant, and all the other seats were filled except for the other one at my table, so I told him it was okay for him to sit and have a drink and a smoke. He was 45 years old, looked older than my father, and had a faded hippy vibe to him. Çlaimed that he didn't know much english, and that all he wanted to do was drink, and that he would leave me alone and be quiet.

Well, he knew more english than he let on, and was extremely talkative, going on all sorts of rants and explanations, and I was laughing my ass off. I don't remember exactly what was said, but I remember when he left thinking "now that was something you don't experience every day."

Thought vientiane was eerily quiet until I went to the market--that's where all the action was on a lazy sunday morning.

Charlie in Commie-land!

When I was formally admitted today to the PDR of Laos, it marked the first time I ever stepped foot in a communist country. Considering the amount of private enterprise in the country, I'm not exactly sure that the governing philosophy is a pure reflection of Marxist ideals.

Others mentioned that Laos felt like how SE Asia was 20 years ago, and I can kind of understand that--the pace here is definitely a little bit slower than in other parts of SE Asia, and, "gasp," there were actually no touts at the airport!

The only time I've heard a car honk is when I mentioned to the cab driver how quiet it seemed--that not a lot of cars were honking. He looked at me puzzled until I said beep beep, and motioned with my hand on a make believe steering wheel. His response was "oh, you mean like..." and he then proceeded to tap the horn a couple of times.

There are, however, little things that indicate to me that Laos may be catching up with the rest of the SE Asia--like the two or three tuk-tuk drivers who asked me if I want a lady. You do not want a lady in Laos, and it has nothing to do with physical appearance--it is illegal for foreigners and lao women to copulate even if it is purely consensual and no money changes hands. If you are caught, then you face a stiff fine and some jail time. As I've mentioned, I have no desire to star in my own version of "brokedown palace," but that doesn't mean that there isn't an underground industry here--anytime you see an elderly european male with a young asian lady, you definitely start to think that it probably isn't true love.

For whatever reason, both capitals for the countries comprising French Indochina (Excluding Vietnam) are both located on the Mekong river--the difference is that while Phnom Penh has a well developed riverfront and riverwalk, Vientiane is in the process of rebuilding theirs, so the riverfront looks like a giant construction site. The project should be finished in October 2010, but I'm not so sure given the state of how things looked.

Otherwise the place is definitely more relaxed with less hustle and bustle than other places in SE Asia.

The 5.5 hour bus ride from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur was probably the nicest bus ride I've been on--granted it was a first class coach with seats the equivalent in width to airline first class seats (and this was the service recommended to me by my hostel). Didn't mind it one bit.

I love Malaysia, and outside of Singapore, Kuala Lumpur is probably the most western-friendly SE Asian capital, but they really need to get better cab drivers. I'm batting .500 in getting ones that know where they are going. I told the guy the specific address of the place I was going to, and he started asking me if I knew where it was, and if I had been there before. It didn't help that traffic was bad, and he was in no mood to have me in the car any longer than necessary (i used a prepaid taxi coupon, so he couldn't charge me any extra). After driving around, he looks at me and asks if I have the phone number. I didn't--and he looked at me like I was nuts. Excuse me? You're the cab driver--you're supposed to know where the place is--or at least you sure as heck claimed to when I was booking the taxi service. Yes, I realize that the street is a one way street and that traffic is bad, but you know what that means? You should probably start at the beginning of the street and then drive towards the end.

Fortunately, even though he decided to join the street midway through, my place was literally located on the other side of the junction, so he managed to find it by pure flukiness--even though the address was squarely on the building--the same address I had been repeating to him.

BTW, any remark that I made about KL being a bit sleepy needs to be retracted--I was merely in the wrong area. It definitely has its own nightclub and bar scene, with the underground or informal industry in full operation--and you could take plenty of these bars and nightclubs and put them in any U.S. city and they'd fit in--it was like being in the West Village in Dallas.

Plane ride from KL to Vientiane was relatively smooth--given its the tropics, thunderstorms and weather systems start to build up throughout the day, so flying is always a bit bumpier in the afternoon than it is in the morning. It also helps that it was Air Asia, a reliable and dependable carrier that offers low fares, and who uses the attractiveness of its flight attendants in ads suggestive enough to make any feminist churn with rage (think nerdy guy sitting in an airplane surrounded by at least five model-esque flight attendants--the tag line "hot seats")--if they really wanted to upset the feminists, though, they'd drop the flight attendant label and use "sky candy" instead.

Laos, via Malaysia

I have an hour before I will be picked up by my bus that is taking me to Kuala Lumpur. It's a 5.5 hour ride versus a 1 hour plane flight, but I'd rather not deal with getting into KL from the airport, especially from the LCCT. Until they do something about making the LCCT linked via rail, and making it cheap in the process, Singapore is probably the better hub to go through if you are not just making a same day flight connection--as long as your flight leaves after 730 am, and you make hostel reservations in advance.

TMW, I will be flying Air Asia flight AK612, leaving KUL at 1510, and arriving in Vientiane at 1645, thus accomplishing my goal of avoiding bangkok, but paying a pretty penny to do so.

What will I do in KL? Mainly stock up on things that may not be available in Laos, like the basics including toothpaste, another toothbrush (i had to throw one out because it got contaminated with cambodian tap water, and I didn't want to risk the cambodian version of montezuma's revenge), and bug spray.

Otherwise, I'll just hang out and relax for the less than 24 hours I will be there.

Singapore, and southeast asia as a whole, has gone world cup crazy, literally counting down the days until the games begin--21, according to today's tabloid. What's interesting is that they are world cup crazy even though the closest country to qualify for the tournament is Australia. The closest asian country? south korea. If you use the newspapers as a prism for which to understand singapore as a whole, the favorite team in these parts is decidedly england.

I have to admit that I feel a little bit of American soccer guilt. The U.S. has qualified for the world cup, and will be playing in it, but most Americans could probably care less, or at most, are ho-hum about it--the mindset being: yes we qualified, and I'm happy that we did, and I hope we do well, but if we don't, then its no big deal...it's only soccer after all. Compare that to SE Asia, where people would probably be dying of heart attacks if their team actually managed to qualify, and entire countries would likely shut down to watch the games when their team took the field. I mean, I'll probably watch some of the games, but the only time my heart rate will actually flutter is when I get off the couch to get either a drink or go to the bathroom.

So, I decided to stay for two more weeks. I clearly must not be homesick (I'm not), but there are some things I kind of miss from the U.S. Quite honestly, the only thing that I truly miss is the food (no offense, mom and dad)--tex mex, barbecue, and pizza. Maybe having my own laptop and own music playing system--I have an ipod, but I haven't used it for at least 4 years, and I've been travelling without one--and doing the nytimes sunday crossword puzzle and wsj weekly crossword puzzle, but those things can be easily accessed via archives.

Otherwise, I really don't miss all that much. It would have been nice to be at the airport to welcome home my brother, since I haven't seen the kid in five months, but if I'm pretty confident that if he were in my position, he would have done the same thing. I know for a fact that he certainly wasn't shedding any tears over missing me while he was gallivanting all over europe (rightfully so, btw).

Just for the heck of it, walked down the road in one of singapore's red light districts last night, and it really wasn't all that impressive compared to Cambodia--although they actually do use pale red fluorescent lights in some dark alleys to let customers know they are open for business. You see some girls lined up in stairways, and hear some husky voices of those that probably weren't born as biological girls, but that's as extreme as it gets.

Understandably, certain places, like along raffles place and in downtown, have a new york feel to them--lots of people wearing button down shirts with black slacks and punching stuff on there blackberry while standing outside and having a cigarette.

What is bizarre is knowing and having read about the mess that Bangkok has become, you'd think that other places in SE Asia might go down that path or at least start to get people in other countries all riled up, but nothing could be further from the truth. It's business as usual everywhere else, including other parts of thailand not named Bangkok--meaning that everywhere not named bangkok is no different than how it was before the protests started.